Don't call me Idol

I have decided that Australian Idol is not for me. I now believe that the show is too mainstream and commercial for my unique talents. I believe that if I were to go on the show next year, it would be a serious compromise on my integrity as an artist and performer.

I shall, therefore, be continuing to establish myself in the underground karaoke scene, where I am allowed to be myself and where I do not have to face unfair public pressure to become somebody that I feel I am not.

Thank you.

I have good taste.

I know this.

Today, watching essential television that is the Miss Teen USA Pageant 2004, my own personal top 3 from the beginning of the show (still 51 delegates) ended up finishing 1,3 and 4 (Louisiana, Nevada and Tennessee respectively). Last year, my pick ended up winning too (Oregon).

I didn’t watch this year’s Miss Universe (despite Australia winning) but as far as I can remember, the Miss Universe delegates are usually far more refined with their answers to questions compared to their Miss Teen USA counterpart. All their responses were littered with ‘like’ and ‘you know’. Louisiana’s answer to everything was that she was being herself (which, I suppose isn’t so bad considering…) while Tennessee’s favourite book is ‘The Great Gapsby’ and her hero is her brother who is in the air force – because he ‘lays his line on the life’ every day.

Hawaii was also a hottie. Somehow she escaped my radar at the start. Just thought I’d mention that.

Meanwhile, why are so many girls/women in the spotlight getting so skinny? Screw the health reasons for a moment. It just looks bad. Buffy looked better when she had more meat on her. And if the Olsen twins ate more, they’d at least be trolls with nice figures. Brandy performed at the Miss Teen USA pageant and she’s gone skinny too. She used to look fit and athletic. It’s such a shame.

King Arthur the movie was a big let down. Another shame. I looked forward to it. I’m a big fan of Clive Owen and they stuffed it. They wanted to make it historic but they only went halfway and the result comes across as a B-Grade Braveheart. Should have just done a remake of Excalibur and put Peter Jackson, Sam Raimi or Gore Verbinski at the helm. Magic, melodramatic music and fancy armour and swords would have been better. They could have just used existing LOTR footage of Gandalf for Merlin and dubbed over the words. That would have been better than this. Although, Stellan Skarsgard was fantastic as Cedric of the Saxons. Such a big presence.

Late night scratchings

I'm trying to write my next short story. But I can't get past the first sentence. I have a concept in my head but these things always sound better than they write. It's not so much writer's block as it is writer's ineptitude.

Today I did something rather important. Tomorrow I'm going to finish what I started. I just hope it works. I haven't had a good night's rest in what seems like years. So I need this. Peace of mind. Once i have that i think I'll have a good cry. Not a sad cry. A good one. Where I smile at the same time. Like a sun shower.

It's also late. And I'm babbling. I'm trying to watch TV at the same time and it's not working. This show is way too heavy for this time of night.

What's the name of that theatre at the corner of City Rd and Cleveland St? They're about to show Debbie does Dallas the Musical. I'm so curious as to what this can be like. Anyone interested in seeing it?

Q Magazine recently released a list of the 100 most powerful people in music. I was surprised to read that Avril Lavigne and John Mayer didn't make the list. On the other hand, Ryan Adams made it at No. 97. Now I own every official album that this genius of a musician has ever released, but even I realise that the amount of influence he wields is nothing compared to Avril. Maybe it refers to other forms of influence. Not just fans and money generated. I don't know.

I finished reading this book called The Wisdom of Crocodiles by Paul Hoffman. It's a long book. Took 13 years to write apparently. It's sprawling. Covering almost every subject matter you can think of. It's one of the longest books I've read in a while. But as I turned the last page, I felt disappointingly empty. It had a lot of good bits in it. But none of them tied together. I kind of get what it was trying to say. And the book didn't drag like a lot of big books do. It just lacked cohesion. I'm very disappointed.

I wish I tried out for Australian Idol. I really do. I'll try to try next year.

I know most of you won't care, but if you follow basketball (and other American sports) you should start reading this guy's column (if you haven't already). I think he's the best sportswriter I've ever read. His NBA draft diaries are especially fun. It could just be because I think he writes a little like me. In that same self indulgent sense.

I'm really getting into Crossing Jordan. It's corny but the characters are likable. I like that. I have mixed feelings about the OC. It feels too try-hardish. Even for a teeny bopper show (and I can appreciate teeny bopper shows for what they are). It feels like Less than Zero on training wheels. Just as the movie Go felt like a teeny bopper Pulp Fiction. Funnily enough, Doug Liman was/is heavily involved with both.

Ryan and Seth look too much like Dawson and Pacey. Marissa needs to eat more. A lot more! Summer, on top of looking skanky, is probably the worst-written character on television. Even worse than Colleen on Home and Away. I must say, though, that Ryan is a pretty well-written character (for a misunderstood bad boy cliche). I still watch it because it's on TV. That's a good enough reason for me. And it's not all bad.

If I were to create my own OC, I would make the kids a little older and here would be my cast (assuming an unlimited budget):

Ryan: Orlando Bloom (I know he's 26 but Luke Perry was 45 when he played Dylan. Give him a shave and he'll be fine)
Seth: Jake Gyllenhaal
Marissa: Mandy Moore (I thought about Katie Holmes but that's just too Dawson. Keira Knightley would be a good choice too except she also needs to eat more and looks too much like Natalie Portman who I've also cast - see below)
Summer: Jessica Alba (or Eliza Dushku - I swear these two are interchangeable in any role they play)
Seth's parents: Antonio Banderas and Michelle Pfeiffer
Marissa's parents: Johnny Depp and Ashley Judd
Luke: Ashton Kutcher (the most unlikable young actor I can think of)
Anna: Natalie Portman
Seth's grandfather: Christopher Walken

Written by David Mamet (State and Main, Spanish Prisoner)
Directed by Steven Soderberg (Ocean's Eleven, Traffic)

Now wouldn't THAT make compelling television!

OK, I've had enough. The goatee's coming off soon.

Miss C

I thought I had one more depressing blog entry in me but I’m gonna hold it off. This blog can do without it. But perhaps I shall turn it into a thinly disguised piece of ‘fiction’ should I need to let it out sometime in the future. So anyway...

One of my favourite memories was my 21st birthday party (with Lil) where we Buffied, danced and sang into adulthood. It was just such a fun party for me and probably something I can never quite do ever again. Our innocence and licence to be silly in public (well, among friends) is gone forever. I’m just glad that I was able to indulge in it when I could.

But a fun memory from that party was when my friend Alwin mentioned in his speech that I had, at that time, um… befriended a 17 year-old girl through IRC (hey, for me it was a phase that is well and truly dead, OK?!). Well it was all fun and games until I pointed out that the girl in question was actually standing right behind him. She got even more red than her then underaged drinking activities that night had made her.

It was very nice of her to come. I appreciated it. And I repaid her by NOT coming to her 21st (sorry…) um… 4 years later. But the greatest gift she ever gave me was to introduce me to Habib’s (Cnr. Greenfield Pde and Restwell St, Bankstown) and to all those that know me well, you would know that Habib’s charcoal chicken now constitutes about a quarter of my regular diet (yes, the chicken and garlic sauce is THAT good!) There is so much I owe her for.

Anyway, just last night I met up with her again at Habib’s. Four years later, our age gap has crept into respectability. We’ve grown up. But we still have stuff to yack about. And neither of us is on IRC anymore. She remembers a lot, remarkably (I remember almost nothing, regrettably).

And it was fun to catch up. Really fun.

So here’s hoping it’s not gonna be another 4 years.

And thank you very very much for the chicken.

From the bottom of my heart (somewhere close to the stomach).

I like funny girls.

It occurred to me a while ago that within my social sphere there is a severe lack of funny girls. Now the thought just depresses me. Yes, there are plenty girls who can go along with jokes. There is certainly an abundance of girls who will laugh and giggle to good (or bad) humour. But there are very few who can generate their own humour. Most of the clowns (proverbially speaking) I know are guys. AND I’m also not including girls who are accidentally amusing. Although they can sometimes be incredibly funny, it’s…well… not what I’m talking about.

xtn’s Superficial attractiveness scale.

In order to try and improve myself, I am attempting to quantify my own superficial attractiveness and find out where I can make improvements. The following figures are based on sweeping generalisations of what I believe are attractive and unattractive within my own social sphere. In no way does this reflect any real and/or meaningful scientific studies. That I know of. It is possible that the figures match up exactly to some respected scientific study but that would be purely by accident and not careful and responsible scientific research.

I will begin by what I call the PA. Your PA is your Potential Attractiveness. This covers everything from your height, face shape, nose, the size of your… um… ears. Basically it’s everything about you that you can’t change without plastic surgery.

For the sake of modesty, let’s just call my PA ‘PA’.

Here are my current attributes, as judged by myself.

Plays basketball: +5
Plays tennis: +3
Aptitude in other sports: -3
Collects comics: -10
Haircut: +4
Facial hair: -3
Slight acne problem: -2
Musical ability: 0
Fashion sense (inoffensive): 0
Flab level: -7
Fitness level: -3
Interesting occupation: +10
Low-paying occupation: -10
Car (Lancer coupe in current unwashed state): +3
Sense of humour: +3
Writing ability: +1
Music taste: +1
Perceived intelligence: +5
Artistic ability: +2
Social skills: +5
Dancing skills: -2
Cooking skills: +2
Moderate level of computer game playing: -2
Aptitude in computer game playing: -1
Mysteriousness scale: -3
Bastard scale: -3
Wealth: -2

By these calculations, I am operating at PA-7. Which means I am underachieving on my potential by 7 points.

Hmmm… at least there’s still improvements to be had.

Here are some Upgrades I had in mind.

Clean car upgrade: +1
New sports coupe upgrade: +5
Guitar playing upgrade: +5
New shaver upgrade: +1
Queer eye upgrade: +5
Celebrity status upgrade: +50
Good-looking girlfriend upgrade: +4

Seriously…

I’m sick of talking about serious things. I really am. I’m sick of having to justify myself. I’m sick of getting advice. I’ll still give advice and listen to you if you want me to. But don’t get me started on myself. And if I do so on my own accord, I would appreciate it if you would just grin and bear it. That will make me stop sooner.

I’d rather talk about funny nonsense. And about pretty girls in ghastly pink jacket and fishnets ensembles.

Warning: This post might not follow much logic. I’m not sure. I haven’t written it yet. I just have this feeling it won’t.

I remember I used to be so full of conviction about a lot of topics. And I was really good are arguing them too. That’s just not the case anymore. I just don’t seem to believe in anything strongly enough anymore. I’m still opinionated but that may be just force of habit rather than real conviction. I can change my mind at any time.

At university, I learnt a whole bunch of stuff. And perhaps my brain just couldn’t handle the overload of information. Especially since my subjects tended to deal with vague generalisations that, while occupying cosmic-level scope, has little real worth in the real world.

There was this one subject called ‘Personal Identity’ that dealt with the question of ‘What makes us the same person today as we were yesterday?’ Through philosophy, psychology, biology, sociology, etc. what this subject aimed to do was to pinpoint the essence of a human person. And you know what we came up with?

Nothing.

The closest thing we could come to a coherent consensus was that I see you yesterday as being the same person as you are today because to me, you seem like you are the same person that I saw yesterday.

Yes, that is entirely circular. But it’s also the only way you can look at it that works on all levels. As is my answer to a lot of things these days – it just is. In the final class, one guy shouted out ‘but there has to be a single essence!’ and then stormed out.

In a way, what I guess I am saying is that the world works in a way that is really too complicated for me (and my lecturer and class evidently) to understand, articulate or use in any meaningful way. It would be far too arrogant for me (yes, even for me) to suggest that there is no absolute truth. All I’m saying is that I haven’t found it (though I may have had at one point… a story for another time) yet.

However, I’m also acutely aware that while it’s all well and good to go along this path, worldly values we put on things, whether they be artificial or not, are perfectly valid. Emotional responses are perfectly valid. Lots of things are perfectly valid.

My cousin used to tell me that she had a lot of difficulty in her philosophy classes because everyone’s viewpoint sounded good to her. At the time, I arrogantly dismissed her as a flake. But she was right. And I was wrong.

It might be the case that every individual is different but judging them and stereotyping them and pigeonholing them isn’t wrong either. We need to make quick superficial judgements in order to function in life, and especially in a society. No matter how correct they are. We can always iron out the creases later.

I now have the belief that the life we live has no real meaning or purpose. I believe in fate but only in a scientific, molecular level sense. But that doesn’t mean that we can’t have meaning in our lives. And it doesn’t mean that that meaning is any more superficial.

After speaking to a friend last week, I realised that she spent over half her conversation talking about what kind of person she is. I think I do a bit of this too. Though not as bad. It’s what people do when they don’t feel like they belong anywhere. They don’t feel like they have a place in this world and so they have to justify their own existence. Having to listen to this can be annoying. But it’s also unnecessary. Why do so many people find it necessary to be so consistent?

Why do I lack conviction in anything now? Because not all the holes can be covered. I sometimes need to contradict myself in order to not shoot myself in the foot. You can cover your holes with good argument techniques but not if you’re going to be truly honest with yourself.

So here is my line for the day:

‘Inconsistency is the only true form of honesty.’

Life isn’t black and white. But neither is it shades of grey. It’s more like a Rorschach inkblot.

Now if only I understood what they are exactly.

Kinda, sorta, maybe

I have a somewhat sadistic friend who always tells me that he prefers reading my blog when I’m miserable. Well I

That’s how I was gonna start my entry after the other two ways that I was gonna start it. I deleted those other ones. But I’ll just keep writing here otherwise I’ll never finish. Even if the end product doesn’t make much sense.

I haven’t written in a while. I just don’t want to be writing self-loathing entries. I enjoy writing my stories on the other blog but it just takes too long sometimes. I’ll get to it soon. I hope those who’ve been reading enjoy them. Please gimme feedback. Even if to say ‘I hate them.’

My 5 days

Mostly I shopped. Slept. Got my car serviced. Got 4 new tyres. Bought heaps of CDs. Some albums I bought for 99c! Riss had been harping on about Dave Matthews for years and I finally bought a non-live album by the band. It’s really good music. Crash into me is so so good for a song that is so so lacking in form and structure. But the song find of my CD shopping spree would be Summer Teeth by Wilco. It’s just a really nice song. Although I suspect the lyrics are rather sinister but I don’t wanna know. I’ve been listening to songs called ‘Excuse me if I break my own heart’. I don’t need any more negativity.

Straight eye for the straight guy

I don’t need a queer eye for my makeover. I just need to buy clothes that I don’t normally buy (which I did) and grow a goatee (which I have). I wanted to grow my hair too but I can’t be bothered. Seriously, if I wasn’t so damn lazy, I could really make something of myself. I should look into it.

In the end I probably don’t look that much different and if anything, I reckon I probably look worse. But at least it makes me feel different, which counts for a lot seeing as I’ve been feeling actual inadequacy for the first time in about 3 or 4 years.

My 2 years

Speaking of years, my blog is now over 2 years old as of May. By the end of August, it’ll be 2 years since it’s been called xtn, etc. It’s quite sad that nothing much has changed. But then again, I guess during these two years Tammin Sursok is still on Home and Away. But then again, she’s a celebrity and I’m still a nobody.

Er… should I write about this?

I cried watching Spiderman 2. Multiple times. Maybe I was just in an emotional state. Maybe it’s that I cry at all the wrong times and don’t cry when I expect to. Or maybe it’s just because the movie is basically a geeky fanboy’s wet dream come true. But um… yeah, not that kind of ‘wet’, but you get the idea.

I’ll write more another time. I’m hungry.