I’m a geek

So the most exciting news to come out of last week was the hint (yes, just a HINT) from George Lucas that there might be a new Star Wars movie in the works. Speculation says that it will be set way in the past, in the golden age of the Old Republic.

Now why is this exciting?

Only because that’s the setting of the GREATEST COMPUTER GAMES EVER!

Yes, I wasted many many hours playing Knights of the Old Republic and its sequel (The Sith Lords). I’d go as far as saying that I like the stories in these games even better than the Star Wars movies themselves. I know that sounds stupid. But it’s true!

Having said that, though, I know that George Lucas will end up writing and directing it, and then cast a crappy actor (Mark Hamill or Hayden Christensen) and the movie will be crap.

So here are my suggestions to make this potential movie good (no, GREAT!), and Mr Lucas, if you end up reading this, I was kidding about the whole ‘you’ll make this crap’ thing… honest! I love your stuff.

Star Wars Episode Zero: The Knights of the Old Republic

Director: Joss Whedon
Easy choice. Firefly shows he can do great space operas. Just the right balance of action, sentimentality and cheesiness. The movie would be in very safe hands.

Writer: Michael Chabon
Many credit his co-writing hand for giving Spider-man 2 the depth and gravitas that most comic book movies lack. I think he’s the best writer working at the moment and most people don’t even know who he is. And he is a mega geek. Perfect.

Cast

Bastilla Shan: Kate Beckinsale
Easy choice. Hot, British and has shown to be adept at playing an action hero (Underworld). The choice of who plays Bastilla could make or break the movie.

Carth Onasi: Ben Affleck
We need someone a straight, honest and clean-cut military man. Ben Affleck fits all that, and has just the right amount of self-righteousness for a supporting good guy.

Mission Vao: Emma Watson
She’d look perfect (with blue face paint and head tails) as the street smart Twe’lek kid.

Zaalbar: Christian Harimanow
Dear Mr Lucas
Please let me play Zaalbar. I would make a great wookie. I love wookies. I’m sure the acting won’t be so hard in a hairy suit and I don’t have to make my own sounds, right? Even if I do, I can do wookie sounds after a few drinks! I know I’m a little too short to be a wookie (what are they, like 6’5”?) but surely I can wear platforms or something. I love wookies. Please let me play a wookie. Please! Wookies rule!
Christian.

Canderous Ordo: Russell Crowe
He’d have to grey his hair. But Gladiator proved he’s got the voice and the toughness to play a hardened warrior.

HK-47: Hugo Weaving
Who else but Agent Smith could play a psychotic killer robot? And he was brilliant behind a mask in V for Vandetta.

Jolee Bindu: Ron Glass
This character is a Mace Windu rip-off and a token black guy. He should be played by Ron Glass who played the token black guy in Firefly and suits the character. A ref at KGV looks exactly like Jolee Bindu but I don’t think he’s an actor.

The Handmaiden: Keira Knightley
She’s tall, lean and athletic. Perfect to play an Echani warrior. She looks good with short hair too. Plus everybody loves her.

Atton Rand: Robert Downey Jr.
Downey plays the perfect dodgy sidekick who you’re not you can trust. He’s done it a million times. He’s a little old now but otherwise he’s perfect.

Kreia: Helen Mirren
Absolutely perfect. A hard-as-nails older woman who’s fit enough to convince you that she could kill you with a lightsaber (which rules out Judi Dench).

Juhani: Milla Jovovich
Athletic, has an accent and looks vaguely cat-like. With a bit of make-up, she looks positively Cathar.

Visas Marr: Scarlett Johansson
Nobody in Hollywood does sultry like Scarlett and no character in the games is more sultry than Visas. The only other person who might pull this off is Angelina Jolie, but nah. Scarlett is better.

Bao-Dur: Elijah Wood
I know he doesn’t look like him, but Wood plays earnest well and Bao-Dur is as earnest as they come. He could even get to speak like Frodo in this role.

Mira: Rachel McAdams
She’s hot and plays a comical bitch really well (Mean girls). I could believe her as a bounty hunter. My second choice would be Sarah Michelle Gellar.

Calo Nord: Vin Diesel
Calo Nord is all muscle and tough talk. And so is Vin Diesel. Easy.

Darth Malak: Gary Oldman
We’ve seen him play psycho villains before (The Professional, Fifth element). John Malkovich could pull this off too.

Darth Bandon: Colin Farrell
I admit this is purely because Bandon looks like Farrell’s Bullseye in Daredevil. But I stand by this choice.

Darth Sion: Tim Roth
He’s one of those off-beat actors that could do weird characters. Darth Sion is a dead guy whose flesh is kept together by the strength of the Force alone. That’s weird enough.

Darth Nihlus: Any bozo looking for work in Hollywood
Nihlus says nothing, is behind a mask and does limited fighting. Anyone could play him.

Revan: Edward Norton

After Kingdom of Heaven, I’m convinced there’s no better actor behind a mask (Hugo Weaving is one behind. Just.). And Norton could pull off the role of the fallen jedi. Just look at him. He looks unstable! (Except in Keeping the Faith). Revan is the most important character of this era. He’s gotta be perfect.

The Exile: Cillian Murphy
He’s in every movie these days. And for good reason. He’s a very flexible actor. He’d be perfect as a soul-searching exiled jedi. Johnny Depp could do it too. But then Johnny Depp can do anything.

And there you have it! The perfect Knights of the Old Republic movie!

Random thing I discovered as I was doing this post: There are heaps of naked pictures of Helen Mirren on the net. It was rather unsettling.

Also, Icky Thump is fantastic!

This is also fantastic!

Talking with Sleepwalker 23.05.07 7:24pm or thereabouts

Sometimes you frustrate me.

Other times, it's really nice and I laugh.

It's good to laugh.

Although some consistency would be nice.

But I guess that's not what I like about you.

And I do.

- What is that? A song? A poem?

- Maybe.

- It sucks.

- Thanks.

- You use 'nice' too much.

- I like 'nice'.

- I can see that.

- I'm not much of a poet.

- I can see that too.

- You're not nice.

- We can't all be.

There was this fat guy on the train who was trying to pick up these two girls. One of them was cute.

- And the other one?

- Stop interrupting.

So he asks them what nationality they are and the cute one says she's 'Aussie'. And the other one...

- The ugly one?

- I didn't say she was ugly.

- Was she fat?

...and the other one says the same thing and then he says 'I thought youse was lebo. Are you lebo?' and they say no and he says that he's 'half lebo' and they giggle and try to ignore him. Somehow though, he worms his way into sitting with them.

I mean, he's fat and he's unattractive.

- What are you trying to say? Did you want to sit with them?

- They were probably 18.

- So did you?

Anyway, then he says 'State of Origin is on tonight' and the cute one says 'Oh cool, who's playing?'

- Hey that's pretty funny. So what did the ugly one say?

- Nothing.

- So she was ugly.

- I didn't...argggh!

But they got up and told him that they were getting off next stop.

- And?

He let them go at first. But then he went up after them but they were gone. They didn't get off at the next station either.

- How did you know?

- Because I got off at the next station. And they weren't there.

- So you're saying they must have changed carriages or something just to get away from him?

So the girls were just... yeah, what you said.

- You liked that, didn't you?

- Actually, yes.

- That's not very nice.

- We can't all be.

And so as we walked home he asks 'what are you going to do about this?' and I say 'what?' and he says 'you know...' and I say that I want to go to sleep.

Sleepwalker says that I always say that when I don't want to talk about something.

And I tell him that he's right.

But that I really do want to go to sleep as well.

Two really badly-written reviews of sorts

I have no idea why the movie is called The Science of Sleep because I couldn’t spot any ‘science’ in it. But I think it would make a perfect date movie, except I wasn’t on a date, which is a shame I guess. But I still really loved the movie.

My friend wasn’t as enthused as I was about it. She said it was nice but there weren’t any memorable scenes in it. I must respectfully disagree. I can still picture lots of memorable scenes.

I think I have this soft spot for movies (or books or whatever) with weird, awkward (but well-intentioned) guys making a mess of their lives. I also really liked Punch Drunk Love and Benny and Joon, to name a couple. Characters like that make great feelgood stories to me.

Gael Garcia Bernal was brilliant in the role. I haven’t seen him in anything else, but I might check out his other movies now because it looks like he might be someone with a Johnny Depp-like scope for acting. He was entirely captivating.

The film’s story is almost completely improbable, chaotic and awkward. In real life, such a man would probably be institutionalised. But it works because it is about sleep and dreams and stuff. Think of it like the good dream to David Lynch’s nightmares. A lot of the humour (and actually, the insights as well) is very Vonnegutian.

AND

It even has a White Stripes song in it.

I’m definitely buying the DVD at some point. You should see it too. It’s good.

__________

Today I met Natalie, the Youtube vlogger star. She said she’s in the top 30 most viewed and has over 19,000 subscibers. To me, that makes her a star.

So I had a look at her vlog (communitychannel) tonight.

Well, I really can’t see the appeal with video blogging. I saw that lonelygirl one after I read about it in the papers (yeah, I know it turned out to be fake) and this one is pretty much the same format as that. Besides the fact that she’s pretty (so many comments like ‘communitychannel, your so HOT! – why do so many people get your and you’re mixed up?! It’s really not that hard, people!), I’m not sure why people would get all that interested in a stranger’s everyday life (OK, so she also dresses up, like as a school girl or an evil teacher, but that only explains her male stalker subscribers) or maybe I’ve just never really given it a chance. I guess people say the same thing about blogging. And I watch Home and Away and this is pretty much like a soapie. And her production quality is really good. And now that I’ve met her in person, I guess the whole thing becomes a little more interesting (even though I’ll probably never see her again) and I'll probably watch more. And a part of me is already thinking of ideas to make my own video blog (if I had a camera and more time and some video editing software). So it's probably all a really good thing. And I think I’m contradicting myself too much for one paragraph. So I’ll shut up and watch Heroes now.

Christian, David and Paul

[Spoiler warning to anyone that might be watching the play]

The reason why I generally hate watching or reading true stories and biographies is that I end up spending a lot of time wondering how much of it was truly true.

To me, fiction is king. I say never let truth get in the way of a good story. And anyone who thinks that truth is stranger than fiction probably just doesn’t have a very good imagination.

Tonight I was at the newly renovated Belvoir Street Theatre with my friend David to watch Paul.

Paul, being the name of the play.

David and I are high school buddies and we are both Catholics.

David is an openly gay Catholic.

I am an openly absurdist Catholic.

Neither of us are meant to exist.

But whatever.

To those unfamiliar with the Biblical story, Saul was on a mission to Damascus to weed out (and kill) Christians when he got blinded by God and was converted to the Christian cause, and even changed his name to Paul.

From there, he teamed up with Peter (Jesus’ original disciple) to spread the good word around the area to any non-believers they could find.

It’s kinda like he was a religious super hero and that was his origin story.

He is most famous for this quote (and what a beautiful quote it is):

If I have all the eloquence of men or of angels, but speak without love, I am simply a gong booming or a cymbal clashing. If I have the gift of prophecy, understanding all the mysteries there are, and knowing everything, and if I have faith in all its fulness, to move mountains, but without love, then I am nothing at all. If I give away all that I possess, piece by piece, and if I even let them take my body to burn it, but am without love, it will do me no good whatever.

Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous; love is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offence, and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes.

Paul and Peter are widely regarded as the ones responsible for the birth of Christianity.

This play is the conspiracy theorist’s account of that birth, and watching it was interesting in that it was an uncomfortable, yet enjoyable, experience. The set was modernised to reflect today’s middle east (about the only humdrum part of the play. I mean, come on… the whole ‘middle east hasn’t changed in 2000 years’ thing is so overdone). The cast was brilliant, with Peter being the standout in my opinion. Paul is portrayed as a religious nut who shows enough flashes of wisdom of presence to make you sit up and listen.

The story plays out cleverly. It starts out conventionally and slowly starts revealing ‘what actually happened’ and ends with a kind of ‘so what if it’s all lies as long as they’re beautiful lies?’ Not until the very end do you really get to know how far the playwright is going to push it (and it's pretty far). But it's done with a kind of tenderness that I found admirable.

The reveal is wonderfully done because the start sucks you into the Christianity story before it systematically rips apart the stitchings. The first act ends with the now-popular (thaaaanks Dan Brown) revelation that Mary Magdalene was Jesus’ wife, to several gasps from the audience.

And that was another enjoyable part of the play – watching the audience. They were so animated. You can see the atheists scoffing a lot in the beginning and then having sighs of relief in the second half as the revelations come out.

Actually, pretty much the entire play’s success comes from the audience's constant struggle between what you already think to be true and what you’re afraid is coming next to ruin those beliefs. By the end, there’s little doubt that it’s an atheist’s point of view. But that’s OK by me. I enjoyed it. I was gripped the entire way.

If you’re an atheist and you enjoyed it, you’d probably sum up the play with ‘don’t let truth get in the way of a good story’. And if you’re a believer and you enjoyed it, you’d probably also sum it up with ‘don’t let truth get in the way of a good story’.

Except they would mean two very different things.

The highlight of my day

A: Have you guys seen that Wild Hogs movie?

D: What's that?

A: It's the one about the middle-aged guys who go out on Harleys. It's got John Travolta and that guy from Fargo.

D: Who?

A: And it's got that black guy. What's-his-name.

D: Danny Glover?

A: No. Um... Martin somebody.

D: Martin Glover?

A: No...

D: Martin Sheen?

A: No... black!

Memoirs of a hack writer (or... The love that dares to speak its name)

The very first story I can remember writing was about a ninja. He went into hiding as a child and then didn’t come out until he was thirty, by which time he had become an incredible skilled fighter. I don’t quite remember how the rest went, but I assume he killed a lot of people.

The second story I remember writing was pretty much a rip-off of ET but with elements of Flight of the navigator thrown in. I can’t remember much of this one either, but there was a joke about humans looking like alien hat stands that was particularly not funny in hindsight.

I think I was about six or seven.

What followed were years of painfully awkward and derivative science fiction and fantasy stories. They’re all a blur now. But they all modelled themselves pretty much after the books that I read at the time. I think I read a lot of crap at the time.

The first serious book I ever got into was a little novel called To kill a mockingbird. That one simply blew me away. So much so that it inspired me to write what would be my first serious piece of writing. That was a short and overly idealistic ode to racial equality that I called A case of black and white. I flogged that one around for years, getting it published in several student publications. Around the same time was my first attempt at humour writing. That was another poem, called Ode to liquid paper. I flogged that one around too. As far as poetry goes, those two were the best I’ve ever written.

I peaked in Year 10.

In Year 12, I was served with three masterpieces of writing that would change the way I look at the English language forever.

The first was Hamlet. This taught me about isolation, angst and the internal monologue.

The second was Great expectations. This taught me about love and obsession.

The third, and most influential of all, was Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead. This taught me about rhetoric, irony and the absurd.

What would spawn out of this period of my life was a romantic trilogy called Three ways to fall in love with Sally. In three unrelated stories, three tragically clueless boys fall for three girls, each of them called Sally. And each of them end up heartbroken due to their own stupidity.

I still remember this one. And remember it fondly. They were juvenile stories and I wouldn’t want to read them now because I suspect that they were actually really badly written. I know I would cringe. But I like the ideas and maybe one day I will update them. Or maybe not.

There would be four other significant pieces of writing that I’ve done that would bring us up-to-date to the present.

The first was the screenplay called The finer subtleties of role-play, which would be my most polished piece of writing to date. Anita ended up filming it. Not to my satisfaction, but to my satisfaction that it was even filmed at all.

The second was my epic Asian-Australian soap opera Everything you want, which is both my greatest writing achievement and my greatest failure. It’s an overlong behemoth of a script with an approximate running time of 4.5 hours. It still haunts me to this day. It just won’t die! I’ll revisit this sometime too. I’ve tried a few times already. I still believe there’s a lot of good stuff to be salvaged from it.

The third would be my long-suffering and painfully unfinished serial Magic for beginners. I know at least three people who want me to finish this. And I will. I promise.

But I think the best thing I have ever written was a blog entry from 19 July 2002 called S is for Sleepwalker (or Falling in love on trains). I invite you to look it up in my archives if you’ve never read it or you haven’t read it since 2002.

I’ve probably read it over 200 times.

It’s my favourite because it’s probably the only time that I have ever come close to achieving complete clarity in what I was trying to say. I love it because it is so short and succinct, compared to my usual verbosity. That one piece said everything that I have ever wanted to say in a piece of creative writing.

In hindsight, that’s how my writing life unfolded to this moment. And this moment is the moment of clarity where I realise that I read my own writing. All the time. Revisit them again and again. Like old friends or family. Someone pointed this out to me tonight.

And you know what?

I do. I probably read my own blog more than anyone else’s. I love my own blog more than anyone else’s.

Even more than Wil Wheaton’s.

And that’s why I write. For the love of it. If other people love it, then great! I want everyone to read everything I write. Even the crap stuff. But if I wrote simply to get self-reinforcement, then I would have given up long ago.

I use this blog to the most of my abilities. I’ve done so much with it. I’ve experimented. I’ve written fake blogs. I’ve copied the styles of other bloggers to see what kinds of writing attract what kinds of comments or numbers of comments. And I do it all because I get a real kick out of it and I want to learn more and more.

Some people don’t understand. For example, when I wrote that Salem entry that spawned 22 comments, you should have seen me at the computer that night. My body had had so little sleep and was about to conk out. But I was on fire on the keyboard. There was so much I needed to get down before they’d dissipate into writers’ ether. I was like a man possessed. And not because the subject matter particularly mattered to me. It was because I had words formed into sentences and they danced around in my head when I was reading the other blogs. Just begging to be blogged. I got so carried away. Put everything down, then re-read it. Trimmed it. Or expanded, depending on what’s what. Sure it was cheap that I did at other people’s expense. But I was having fun. I was loving it. The adrenaline was pumping. Some people need to bungee. I just need a keyboard, some blog fodder and minimal sleep.

The Midnight disease. Like August Van Zorn. Like Kilgore Trout.

People can read what I write and question my talent or my commitment. I do that myself all the time. But I do know that the love is real. It’s the same as when I pick up the basketball or thrash six strings of steel. There are moments when I realise that I’m doing something purely for the love of it. Good or bad. And in these moments (not all the time), when I lose myself in these moments, that’s when I know I’m alive. And if you read this and you can’t understand what I’m saying or you think I’m being over the top, then I feel sincerely sorry for you. Because I think everyone should (and deserves to) feel like this about something in their lives.

And thus ends my most self-absorbed entry to date.

There’s probably only me and Sleepwalker here now. But if you’re still reading with us to this point (without skimming the rest, mind you), then you must really like my writing. Or you really like me. Or, hopefully, both.

But for now, to everyone and anyone who has ever visited this page since its conception...

Whether you’ve been here once or a hundred times...

Whether you’ve enjoyed, hated or been devoid of any opinion of what I write here...

I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Thank you for sharing the love.