I’m a geek

So the most exciting news to come out of last week was the hint (yes, just a HINT) from George Lucas that there might be a new Star Wars movie in the works. Speculation says that it will be set way in the past, in the golden age of the Old Republic.

Now why is this exciting?

Only because that’s the setting of the GREATEST COMPUTER GAMES EVER!

Yes, I wasted many many hours playing Knights of the Old Republic and its sequel (The Sith Lords). I’d go as far as saying that I like the stories in these games even better than the Star Wars movies themselves. I know that sounds stupid. But it’s true!

Having said that, though, I know that George Lucas will end up writing and directing it, and then cast a crappy actor (Mark Hamill or Hayden Christensen) and the movie will be crap.

So here are my suggestions to make this potential movie good (no, GREAT!), and Mr Lucas, if you end up reading this, I was kidding about the whole ‘you’ll make this crap’ thing… honest! I love your stuff.

Star Wars Episode Zero: The Knights of the Old Republic

Director: Joss Whedon
Easy choice. Firefly shows he can do great space operas. Just the right balance of action, sentimentality and cheesiness. The movie would be in very safe hands.

Writer: Michael Chabon
Many credit his co-writing hand for giving Spider-man 2 the depth and gravitas that most comic book movies lack. I think he’s the best writer working at the moment and most people don’t even know who he is. And he is a mega geek. Perfect.

Cast

Bastilla Shan: Kate Beckinsale
Easy choice. Hot, British and has shown to be adept at playing an action hero (Underworld). The choice of who plays Bastilla could make or break the movie.

Carth Onasi: Ben Affleck
We need someone a straight, honest and clean-cut military man. Ben Affleck fits all that, and has just the right amount of self-righteousness for a supporting good guy.

Mission Vao: Emma Watson
She’d look perfect (with blue face paint and head tails) as the street smart Twe’lek kid.

Zaalbar: Christian Harimanow
Dear Mr Lucas
Please let me play Zaalbar. I would make a great wookie. I love wookies. I’m sure the acting won’t be so hard in a hairy suit and I don’t have to make my own sounds, right? Even if I do, I can do wookie sounds after a few drinks! I know I’m a little too short to be a wookie (what are they, like 6’5”?) but surely I can wear platforms or something. I love wookies. Please let me play a wookie. Please! Wookies rule!
Christian.

Canderous Ordo: Russell Crowe
He’d have to grey his hair. But Gladiator proved he’s got the voice and the toughness to play a hardened warrior.

HK-47: Hugo Weaving
Who else but Agent Smith could play a psychotic killer robot? And he was brilliant behind a mask in V for Vandetta.

Jolee Bindu: Ron Glass
This character is a Mace Windu rip-off and a token black guy. He should be played by Ron Glass who played the token black guy in Firefly and suits the character. A ref at KGV looks exactly like Jolee Bindu but I don’t think he’s an actor.

The Handmaiden: Keira Knightley
She’s tall, lean and athletic. Perfect to play an Echani warrior. She looks good with short hair too. Plus everybody loves her.

Atton Rand: Robert Downey Jr.
Downey plays the perfect dodgy sidekick who you’re not you can trust. He’s done it a million times. He’s a little old now but otherwise he’s perfect.

Kreia: Helen Mirren
Absolutely perfect. A hard-as-nails older woman who’s fit enough to convince you that she could kill you with a lightsaber (which rules out Judi Dench).

Juhani: Milla Jovovich
Athletic, has an accent and looks vaguely cat-like. With a bit of make-up, she looks positively Cathar.

Visas Marr: Scarlett Johansson
Nobody in Hollywood does sultry like Scarlett and no character in the games is more sultry than Visas. The only other person who might pull this off is Angelina Jolie, but nah. Scarlett is better.

Bao-Dur: Elijah Wood
I know he doesn’t look like him, but Wood plays earnest well and Bao-Dur is as earnest as they come. He could even get to speak like Frodo in this role.

Mira: Rachel McAdams
She’s hot and plays a comical bitch really well (Mean girls). I could believe her as a bounty hunter. My second choice would be Sarah Michelle Gellar.

Calo Nord: Vin Diesel
Calo Nord is all muscle and tough talk. And so is Vin Diesel. Easy.

Darth Malak: Gary Oldman
We’ve seen him play psycho villains before (The Professional, Fifth element). John Malkovich could pull this off too.

Darth Bandon: Colin Farrell
I admit this is purely because Bandon looks like Farrell’s Bullseye in Daredevil. But I stand by this choice.

Darth Sion: Tim Roth
He’s one of those off-beat actors that could do weird characters. Darth Sion is a dead guy whose flesh is kept together by the strength of the Force alone. That’s weird enough.

Darth Nihlus: Any bozo looking for work in Hollywood
Nihlus says nothing, is behind a mask and does limited fighting. Anyone could play him.

Revan: Edward Norton

After Kingdom of Heaven, I’m convinced there’s no better actor behind a mask (Hugo Weaving is one behind. Just.). And Norton could pull off the role of the fallen jedi. Just look at him. He looks unstable! (Except in Keeping the Faith). Revan is the most important character of this era. He’s gotta be perfect.

The Exile: Cillian Murphy
He’s in every movie these days. And for good reason. He’s a very flexible actor. He’d be perfect as a soul-searching exiled jedi. Johnny Depp could do it too. But then Johnny Depp can do anything.

And there you have it! The perfect Knights of the Old Republic movie!

Random thing I discovered as I was doing this post: There are heaps of naked pictures of Helen Mirren on the net. It was rather unsettling.

Also, Icky Thump is fantastic!

This is also fantastic!