xtn the optimist

At about 12:30 she calls and wakes me up. By about 12:31, she tells me to go back to sleep. I can't go back to sleep so I ring her back. This conversation lasts a little longer and at around 1:30-ish I'm trying to go back to sleep again.

But I can't. I try but I just can't. I feel awake for some reason. Alive. Energised. My body is still tired but the feeling in my mind is electrifying. A random burst of inspiration perhaps. Or a very literal wake up call. But I suddenly find myself with something I haven't had in a long time.

A plan.

A realistic one at that. Not like my 5-year-become-famous-and-marry-Mandy-Moore plan that I made around 4 years ago (that plan never even got to Phase 2!). This timeframe is smaller and more manageable. I give it a 6-month window with Phase 1 to be completed in one week. The goal is also more achievable.

I've wasted far too much time lamenting my miseries, pontificating on the tragedy of my all too absurd existence and dreaming of better times of freedom, fourtunes and fluffy bunnies.

True enough that I have little control over much of the crap that I whinge about. But there are also things that I can do. There are still reasons for me to get off my fat arse and act.

I haven't been so much a victim of fate and circumstance as I am a victim of learned helplessness. And now I feel like the rat in the electric cage who finally has his eye on the off switch.

I eventually fall asleep at approximately 4:00 or 4:30 in the morning. And I wake up around 8:30 and come late for work. But that is of little consequence to this story.

Now I feel like a drink.