Warning: This post might not follow much logic. I’m not sure. I haven’t written it yet. I just have this feeling it won’t.

I remember I used to be so full of conviction about a lot of topics. And I was really good are arguing them too. That’s just not the case anymore. I just don’t seem to believe in anything strongly enough anymore. I’m still opinionated but that may be just force of habit rather than real conviction. I can change my mind at any time.

At university, I learnt a whole bunch of stuff. And perhaps my brain just couldn’t handle the overload of information. Especially since my subjects tended to deal with vague generalisations that, while occupying cosmic-level scope, has little real worth in the real world.

There was this one subject called ‘Personal Identity’ that dealt with the question of ‘What makes us the same person today as we were yesterday?’ Through philosophy, psychology, biology, sociology, etc. what this subject aimed to do was to pinpoint the essence of a human person. And you know what we came up with?

Nothing.

The closest thing we could come to a coherent consensus was that I see you yesterday as being the same person as you are today because to me, you seem like you are the same person that I saw yesterday.

Yes, that is entirely circular. But it’s also the only way you can look at it that works on all levels. As is my answer to a lot of things these days – it just is. In the final class, one guy shouted out ‘but there has to be a single essence!’ and then stormed out.

In a way, what I guess I am saying is that the world works in a way that is really too complicated for me (and my lecturer and class evidently) to understand, articulate or use in any meaningful way. It would be far too arrogant for me (yes, even for me) to suggest that there is no absolute truth. All I’m saying is that I haven’t found it (though I may have had at one point… a story for another time) yet.

However, I’m also acutely aware that while it’s all well and good to go along this path, worldly values we put on things, whether they be artificial or not, are perfectly valid. Emotional responses are perfectly valid. Lots of things are perfectly valid.

My cousin used to tell me that she had a lot of difficulty in her philosophy classes because everyone’s viewpoint sounded good to her. At the time, I arrogantly dismissed her as a flake. But she was right. And I was wrong.

It might be the case that every individual is different but judging them and stereotyping them and pigeonholing them isn’t wrong either. We need to make quick superficial judgements in order to function in life, and especially in a society. No matter how correct they are. We can always iron out the creases later.

I now have the belief that the life we live has no real meaning or purpose. I believe in fate but only in a scientific, molecular level sense. But that doesn’t mean that we can’t have meaning in our lives. And it doesn’t mean that that meaning is any more superficial.

After speaking to a friend last week, I realised that she spent over half her conversation talking about what kind of person she is. I think I do a bit of this too. Though not as bad. It’s what people do when they don’t feel like they belong anywhere. They don’t feel like they have a place in this world and so they have to justify their own existence. Having to listen to this can be annoying. But it’s also unnecessary. Why do so many people find it necessary to be so consistent?

Why do I lack conviction in anything now? Because not all the holes can be covered. I sometimes need to contradict myself in order to not shoot myself in the foot. You can cover your holes with good argument techniques but not if you’re going to be truly honest with yourself.

So here is my line for the day:

‘Inconsistency is the only true form of honesty.’

Life isn’t black and white. But neither is it shades of grey. It’s more like a Rorschach inkblot.

Now if only I understood what they are exactly.