The one that got away

Last night Australia came within a greasy potato wedge of voting Courtney Murphy off Idol. But ultimately the country decided that the infinitely more fascinating Chanel Cole had to go instead.

And so Courtney lives to fight another day and get his chance at revenge on Mark Holden for questioning his falsetto.

That’s right folks. His Royal Largeness got his ego bruised on Sunday night when Mark told him that his falsetto was not up to the standards he expected. And now he’s angry. Sure, most of the other Idol contestants have been ripped apart with far nastier insults and have gracefully taken them on the chin but this is Courtney Murphy we’re talking about! The Great Fat Hope. It’s one thing to question his viability as a pop star due to his big fat arse. But heaven forbid anyone should question his big fat talent!

I mean, if/when he does get knocked off the top of the proverbial fondue fountain, surely it’ll be because the Australian public can’t see the talent past the bag of doughnuts. Surely it wouldn’t be because of a lack of talent!

Surely it couldn’t be because Anthony is better looking, more likeable and, here’s the killer, a better singer!

After Sunday’s show, Courtney said ‘honestly, I don’t know what else I can give’. Well, maybe that’s telling you something, big guy.

But I guess I have been rather harsh on the big man. And, I admit, if I were ever to record an album, Courtney Murphy probably wouldn’t be buying it either. So I’ve decided to be fair to him, and so without further ado…

Ten thing Courtney Murphy would probably rather do than buy a Christian Harimanow album

1. Eat a screwdriver
2. Eat a six-pack of microphones
3. Put on a padded suit and jump into a cage full of otters to try to steal their food.
4. Polish a public park toilet floor with his arse
5. Consume an entire small-sized camel (cooked)
6. Pump Clag glue into his system via an IV drip
7. Eat a plateful of another person’s earwax
8. Eat chocolate-covered goat faeces
9. Eat Don Pancho (preferably cooked)
10. Drink a bottle of Habib’s garlic sauce