Adventures in Conjunctivitisland

I probably should have gone home on Friday but I persisted with the trivia night even though my eyes were already bloodshot by then and excreting a sticky substance that looked like a cross between pus and snot.

On Saturday morning I woke up and had to peel the green crust that had locked my eyes shut tight. And my left eyelid was swollen and the redness was getting out of hand. In the words of Casey Jones from the original TMNT movie, 'I look like I just called Mike Tyson a sissy'.

Since then, I've been to the doctor, tried four types of eye drops and finally it's coming around. I've been home doing very little now for four days.

Back to work tomorrow.

The fun never stops.

Federer is really really good

I like Federer. I think he's the most likeable sporting superstar of my generation (and by superstar, I'm talking upper upper echelon once-in-every-20-years-type stars). Michael Jordan was too relentless, Tiger Woods plays too boring a sport, Michael Schumacher still is a dickhead and Ian Thorpe sells pearls.

Last night, Federer beat Nadal in a very tough 5-setter to win Wimbledon for the 5th time, equaling Bjorn Borg's record. If you care at all about tennis, then you've already heard this today a million times. But what was so great about last night was that it was by far the most difficult win of his career. I've witnessed at least half of Federer's grand slam victories and he's never looked so vulnerable. In fact, I think it's fair to say that Nadal was in fact the better player on the day (or at least the most consistent). Federer had a lot of trouble containing him.

But what was so impressive and memorable was that Federer had this turbo boost button that he managed to turn on everytime he needed it. In basketball terms, he was clutch.

Nadal had so much more momentum going into the 5th but Roger just willed his way to the championship.

By the end, I don't know how he managed to pull that off. But he did. Like an absolute true champion.

I don't know what Roger Federer's legacy will be. If he ends up winning 15+ slams then his legacy is cemented, but even if he doesn't win any more from now, he should still be in the argument for the greatest ever.

OK, I was gonna write more but I just realised that the Ryan Adams tickets I bought were standing BEHIND the seats because they've reconfigured the theatre for this show. I almost threw up a little in my mouth.

I’m a geek

So the most exciting news to come out of last week was the hint (yes, just a HINT) from George Lucas that there might be a new Star Wars movie in the works. Speculation says that it will be set way in the past, in the golden age of the Old Republic.

Now why is this exciting?

Only because that’s the setting of the GREATEST COMPUTER GAMES EVER!

Yes, I wasted many many hours playing Knights of the Old Republic and its sequel (The Sith Lords). I’d go as far as saying that I like the stories in these games even better than the Star Wars movies themselves. I know that sounds stupid. But it’s true!

Having said that, though, I know that George Lucas will end up writing and directing it, and then cast a crappy actor (Mark Hamill or Hayden Christensen) and the movie will be crap.

So here are my suggestions to make this potential movie good (no, GREAT!), and Mr Lucas, if you end up reading this, I was kidding about the whole ‘you’ll make this crap’ thing… honest! I love your stuff.

Star Wars Episode Zero: The Knights of the Old Republic

Director: Joss Whedon
Easy choice. Firefly shows he can do great space operas. Just the right balance of action, sentimentality and cheesiness. The movie would be in very safe hands.

Writer: Michael Chabon
Many credit his co-writing hand for giving Spider-man 2 the depth and gravitas that most comic book movies lack. I think he’s the best writer working at the moment and most people don’t even know who he is. And he is a mega geek. Perfect.

Cast

Bastilla Shan: Kate Beckinsale
Easy choice. Hot, British and has shown to be adept at playing an action hero (Underworld). The choice of who plays Bastilla could make or break the movie.

Carth Onasi: Ben Affleck
We need someone a straight, honest and clean-cut military man. Ben Affleck fits all that, and has just the right amount of self-righteousness for a supporting good guy.

Mission Vao: Emma Watson
She’d look perfect (with blue face paint and head tails) as the street smart Twe’lek kid.

Zaalbar: Christian Harimanow
Dear Mr Lucas
Please let me play Zaalbar. I would make a great wookie. I love wookies. I’m sure the acting won’t be so hard in a hairy suit and I don’t have to make my own sounds, right? Even if I do, I can do wookie sounds after a few drinks! I know I’m a little too short to be a wookie (what are they, like 6’5”?) but surely I can wear platforms or something. I love wookies. Please let me play a wookie. Please! Wookies rule!
Christian.

Canderous Ordo: Russell Crowe
He’d have to grey his hair. But Gladiator proved he’s got the voice and the toughness to play a hardened warrior.

HK-47: Hugo Weaving
Who else but Agent Smith could play a psychotic killer robot? And he was brilliant behind a mask in V for Vandetta.

Jolee Bindu: Ron Glass
This character is a Mace Windu rip-off and a token black guy. He should be played by Ron Glass who played the token black guy in Firefly and suits the character. A ref at KGV looks exactly like Jolee Bindu but I don’t think he’s an actor.

The Handmaiden: Keira Knightley
She’s tall, lean and athletic. Perfect to play an Echani warrior. She looks good with short hair too. Plus everybody loves her.

Atton Rand: Robert Downey Jr.
Downey plays the perfect dodgy sidekick who you’re not you can trust. He’s done it a million times. He’s a little old now but otherwise he’s perfect.

Kreia: Helen Mirren
Absolutely perfect. A hard-as-nails older woman who’s fit enough to convince you that she could kill you with a lightsaber (which rules out Judi Dench).

Juhani: Milla Jovovich
Athletic, has an accent and looks vaguely cat-like. With a bit of make-up, she looks positively Cathar.

Visas Marr: Scarlett Johansson
Nobody in Hollywood does sultry like Scarlett and no character in the games is more sultry than Visas. The only other person who might pull this off is Angelina Jolie, but nah. Scarlett is better.

Bao-Dur: Elijah Wood
I know he doesn’t look like him, but Wood plays earnest well and Bao-Dur is as earnest as they come. He could even get to speak like Frodo in this role.

Mira: Rachel McAdams
She’s hot and plays a comical bitch really well (Mean girls). I could believe her as a bounty hunter. My second choice would be Sarah Michelle Gellar.

Calo Nord: Vin Diesel
Calo Nord is all muscle and tough talk. And so is Vin Diesel. Easy.

Darth Malak: Gary Oldman
We’ve seen him play psycho villains before (The Professional, Fifth element). John Malkovich could pull this off too.

Darth Bandon: Colin Farrell
I admit this is purely because Bandon looks like Farrell’s Bullseye in Daredevil. But I stand by this choice.

Darth Sion: Tim Roth
He’s one of those off-beat actors that could do weird characters. Darth Sion is a dead guy whose flesh is kept together by the strength of the Force alone. That’s weird enough.

Darth Nihlus: Any bozo looking for work in Hollywood
Nihlus says nothing, is behind a mask and does limited fighting. Anyone could play him.

Revan: Edward Norton

After Kingdom of Heaven, I’m convinced there’s no better actor behind a mask (Hugo Weaving is one behind. Just.). And Norton could pull off the role of the fallen jedi. Just look at him. He looks unstable! (Except in Keeping the Faith). Revan is the most important character of this era. He’s gotta be perfect.

The Exile: Cillian Murphy
He’s in every movie these days. And for good reason. He’s a very flexible actor. He’d be perfect as a soul-searching exiled jedi. Johnny Depp could do it too. But then Johnny Depp can do anything.

And there you have it! The perfect Knights of the Old Republic movie!

Random thing I discovered as I was doing this post: There are heaps of naked pictures of Helen Mirren on the net. It was rather unsettling.

Also, Icky Thump is fantastic!

This is also fantastic!

Talking with Sleepwalker 23.05.07 7:24pm or thereabouts

Sometimes you frustrate me.

Other times, it's really nice and I laugh.

It's good to laugh.

Although some consistency would be nice.

But I guess that's not what I like about you.

And I do.

- What is that? A song? A poem?

- Maybe.

- It sucks.

- Thanks.

- You use 'nice' too much.

- I like 'nice'.

- I can see that.

- I'm not much of a poet.

- I can see that too.

- You're not nice.

- We can't all be.

There was this fat guy on the train who was trying to pick up these two girls. One of them was cute.

- And the other one?

- Stop interrupting.

So he asks them what nationality they are and the cute one says she's 'Aussie'. And the other one...

- The ugly one?

- I didn't say she was ugly.

- Was she fat?

...and the other one says the same thing and then he says 'I thought youse was lebo. Are you lebo?' and they say no and he says that he's 'half lebo' and they giggle and try to ignore him. Somehow though, he worms his way into sitting with them.

I mean, he's fat and he's unattractive.

- What are you trying to say? Did you want to sit with them?

- They were probably 18.

- So did you?

Anyway, then he says 'State of Origin is on tonight' and the cute one says 'Oh cool, who's playing?'

- Hey that's pretty funny. So what did the ugly one say?

- Nothing.

- So she was ugly.

- I didn't...argggh!

But they got up and told him that they were getting off next stop.

- And?

He let them go at first. But then he went up after them but they were gone. They didn't get off at the next station either.

- How did you know?

- Because I got off at the next station. And they weren't there.

- So you're saying they must have changed carriages or something just to get away from him?

So the girls were just... yeah, what you said.

- You liked that, didn't you?

- Actually, yes.

- That's not very nice.

- We can't all be.

And so as we walked home he asks 'what are you going to do about this?' and I say 'what?' and he says 'you know...' and I say that I want to go to sleep.

Sleepwalker says that I always say that when I don't want to talk about something.

And I tell him that he's right.

But that I really do want to go to sleep as well.

Two really badly-written reviews of sorts

I have no idea why the movie is called The Science of Sleep because I couldn’t spot any ‘science’ in it. But I think it would make a perfect date movie, except I wasn’t on a date, which is a shame I guess. But I still really loved the movie.

My friend wasn’t as enthused as I was about it. She said it was nice but there weren’t any memorable scenes in it. I must respectfully disagree. I can still picture lots of memorable scenes.

I think I have this soft spot for movies (or books or whatever) with weird, awkward (but well-intentioned) guys making a mess of their lives. I also really liked Punch Drunk Love and Benny and Joon, to name a couple. Characters like that make great feelgood stories to me.

Gael Garcia Bernal was brilliant in the role. I haven’t seen him in anything else, but I might check out his other movies now because it looks like he might be someone with a Johnny Depp-like scope for acting. He was entirely captivating.

The film’s story is almost completely improbable, chaotic and awkward. In real life, such a man would probably be institutionalised. But it works because it is about sleep and dreams and stuff. Think of it like the good dream to David Lynch’s nightmares. A lot of the humour (and actually, the insights as well) is very Vonnegutian.

AND

It even has a White Stripes song in it.

I’m definitely buying the DVD at some point. You should see it too. It’s good.

__________

Today I met Natalie, the Youtube vlogger star. She said she’s in the top 30 most viewed and has over 19,000 subscibers. To me, that makes her a star.

So I had a look at her vlog (communitychannel) tonight.

Well, I really can’t see the appeal with video blogging. I saw that lonelygirl one after I read about it in the papers (yeah, I know it turned out to be fake) and this one is pretty much the same format as that. Besides the fact that she’s pretty (so many comments like ‘communitychannel, your so HOT! – why do so many people get your and you’re mixed up?! It’s really not that hard, people!), I’m not sure why people would get all that interested in a stranger’s everyday life (OK, so she also dresses up, like as a school girl or an evil teacher, but that only explains her male stalker subscribers) or maybe I’ve just never really given it a chance. I guess people say the same thing about blogging. And I watch Home and Away and this is pretty much like a soapie. And her production quality is really good. And now that I’ve met her in person, I guess the whole thing becomes a little more interesting (even though I’ll probably never see her again) and I'll probably watch more. And a part of me is already thinking of ideas to make my own video blog (if I had a camera and more time and some video editing software). So it's probably all a really good thing. And I think I’m contradicting myself too much for one paragraph. So I’ll shut up and watch Heroes now.

Christian, David and Paul

[Spoiler warning to anyone that might be watching the play]

The reason why I generally hate watching or reading true stories and biographies is that I end up spending a lot of time wondering how much of it was truly true.

To me, fiction is king. I say never let truth get in the way of a good story. And anyone who thinks that truth is stranger than fiction probably just doesn’t have a very good imagination.

Tonight I was at the newly renovated Belvoir Street Theatre with my friend David to watch Paul.

Paul, being the name of the play.

David and I are high school buddies and we are both Catholics.

David is an openly gay Catholic.

I am an openly absurdist Catholic.

Neither of us are meant to exist.

But whatever.

To those unfamiliar with the Biblical story, Saul was on a mission to Damascus to weed out (and kill) Christians when he got blinded by God and was converted to the Christian cause, and even changed his name to Paul.

From there, he teamed up with Peter (Jesus’ original disciple) to spread the good word around the area to any non-believers they could find.

It’s kinda like he was a religious super hero and that was his origin story.

He is most famous for this quote (and what a beautiful quote it is):

If I have all the eloquence of men or of angels, but speak without love, I am simply a gong booming or a cymbal clashing. If I have the gift of prophecy, understanding all the mysteries there are, and knowing everything, and if I have faith in all its fulness, to move mountains, but without love, then I am nothing at all. If I give away all that I possess, piece by piece, and if I even let them take my body to burn it, but am without love, it will do me no good whatever.

Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous; love is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offence, and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes.

Paul and Peter are widely regarded as the ones responsible for the birth of Christianity.

This play is the conspiracy theorist’s account of that birth, and watching it was interesting in that it was an uncomfortable, yet enjoyable, experience. The set was modernised to reflect today’s middle east (about the only humdrum part of the play. I mean, come on… the whole ‘middle east hasn’t changed in 2000 years’ thing is so overdone). The cast was brilliant, with Peter being the standout in my opinion. Paul is portrayed as a religious nut who shows enough flashes of wisdom of presence to make you sit up and listen.

The story plays out cleverly. It starts out conventionally and slowly starts revealing ‘what actually happened’ and ends with a kind of ‘so what if it’s all lies as long as they’re beautiful lies?’ Not until the very end do you really get to know how far the playwright is going to push it (and it's pretty far). But it's done with a kind of tenderness that I found admirable.

The reveal is wonderfully done because the start sucks you into the Christianity story before it systematically rips apart the stitchings. The first act ends with the now-popular (thaaaanks Dan Brown) revelation that Mary Magdalene was Jesus’ wife, to several gasps from the audience.

And that was another enjoyable part of the play – watching the audience. They were so animated. You can see the atheists scoffing a lot in the beginning and then having sighs of relief in the second half as the revelations come out.

Actually, pretty much the entire play’s success comes from the audience's constant struggle between what you already think to be true and what you’re afraid is coming next to ruin those beliefs. By the end, there’s little doubt that it’s an atheist’s point of view. But that’s OK by me. I enjoyed it. I was gripped the entire way.

If you’re an atheist and you enjoyed it, you’d probably sum up the play with ‘don’t let truth get in the way of a good story’. And if you’re a believer and you enjoyed it, you’d probably also sum it up with ‘don’t let truth get in the way of a good story’.

Except they would mean two very different things.

The highlight of my day

A: Have you guys seen that Wild Hogs movie?

D: What's that?

A: It's the one about the middle-aged guys who go out on Harleys. It's got John Travolta and that guy from Fargo.

D: Who?

A: And it's got that black guy. What's-his-name.

D: Danny Glover?

A: No. Um... Martin somebody.

D: Martin Glover?

A: No...

D: Martin Sheen?

A: No... black!